Funny relationship advice for men: make your partner happy!

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When my husband and I moved in together we were given an amusing tea towel laying out “The Rules.”  They were as follows:

the rules

THE RULES

  1. The female always makes the rules.
  2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notice.
  3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
  4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules she must immediately change some or all the rules.
  5. The female is never wrong.
  6. If the female is wrong it is due to a misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male said or did.
  7. The male must apologise for causing said misunderstanding.
  8. The male is always wrong.
  9. The male may be right if he agrees with the female unless she wants him to disagree.
  10. The female may change her mind at any time.
  11. The male may never change his mind without the express written consent of the female.
  12. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
  13. The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry and/or upset.
  14. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
  15. The male is expected to mind read at all times.

These are, to be fair, very confusing rules!  However a clever man will make them work to their advantage!  I just haven’t met that clever man yet! Last week, after a few glasses of Oyster Bay, my mum and I could not stop laughing about how men make their lives so much harder than they need to be in so many ways!

I feel sorry for men (sometimes!) so today I would like to offer some advice to all men.  Ladies, make sure you share this, it will make your life so much better! Here it is:

Dear Man,

Whether you are dating, engaged or married.   This relationship advice will, I promise, put you in a win-win situation and make your partner happy at the same time! It simply cannot fail.

Firstly let’s look at Rule 5, above.  “The female is never wrong.”  My husband has recently admitted, albeit begrudgingly, that 99% of the time I am right.  He even tells our daughters to do what I say because “mummy is always right.”  We have one exception in our house, and that is that I am not right when it comes to the rules of chess.  So taking into account that most of the time the woman in your life is going to be right, there is one simple rule to follow.

DO WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND/FIANCE/WIFE SUGGESTS.  You are permitted to say just once “I take your point, I wouldn’t do it that way myself but let’s give your way a go, Darling.”  A word of warning though, only utter the above words if you are positive that her way is not going to work, otherwise don’t argue about it, don’t even think about it anymore just do what she says.  There are only two possible outcomes that can then occur.

Outcome 1:  Your partner was right, the task was done quickly and efficiently and she will be happy.  Smug, yes (especially if you disagreed at the start) but mainly happy which is a good thing.  You will also have earned massive brownie points for not arguing and successfully completing a task!  Well done you.

Outcome 2: Your partner was wrong.  Again a winning situation.  If you did state before the task that you disagreed with her method then you may now use the phrase “I TOLD YOU SO!”  Crack open a beer and walk around with a smug grin.  If you didn’t disagree in the first place then you get to say “HA HA YOU WERE WRONG.”  Do a silly dance in her face and walk away laughing to complete the task as you would have done in the first place.  You partner will not be very happy but she will not be able to complain.  You did as she asked and she was wrong.  She should now thank you for trying her way and let you get on with it however you choose.

So there you have it.  A win-win outcome for all male partners anywhere, in any situation.

As an added bonus let me share this with you too as it will also make your life easier.  If you are in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex then you will have encountered NAGGING!  However, have you ever considered the true origin of NAGGING!  It is a universal myth that nagging is a female invention, but this cannot possibly be true.  Let me tell you why:

Nagging is in fact a SELF-INDUCED form of male torture.  Like a really bad hangover.  Men have complete power over nagging. Let me explain why.  Nagging would not exist if men did what their partners asked straight away.  The man is in control of The Nag!  If you can’t do a task straight away, then give your partner a date and time that the task will be completed by and make sure you do it.  If you follow those rules then there will be no need for nagging to occur at all!

Good luck men, remember it is within your power to make your life easier and your partner a joy to live with!

To conclude I would like to offer you two little stories from a time long ago, before my husband was my husband and before he knew that I was always right.

We were young, in love, and backpacking around the world.  We found ourselves in Perth, Australia and we were heading off up the west coast to go diving on the Ningaloo Reef.  We were into our last few weeks of travelling so money was tight.  We arrived at the car rental place and picked up our car.  The kind sales man offered us a map for $5.  I took the map, only to have it snatched out of my hands and handed back to the man.  I followed my husband to the car and asked him why we couldn’t have the map.  He flashed me a confident smile and said.  “I’m not wasting money on a map. We are in Perth, all we have to do is drive north to get to the Reef.  There is only one road north so it can’t be that hard to find.”

Two hours of driving, many arguments and $$$$ worth of fuel later, my husband stood red faced in front of the sales assistant and handed over $5 for a map.  I think I probably muttered the words “I told you so, you idiot.”

This humiliation was not enough for my husband.  He had still not learned Rule 5 and just hours later as we were cruising very quickly north up the west coast (following the map) my husband was pulled over by a police car and handed a $100 speeding fine.  To add insult to injury he was told by the police man to look after his girlfriend better!  As we continued on our journey, my husband was in a black mood, so when I started shouting slow down, slow down, to him, he shouted back that he wasn’t speeding.  I then screamed stop, but he refused to listen and realised too late that I was right yet again as a kangaroo casually jumped out in front of our car.”

Fourteen years later and he is much better at knowing that I am generally right, however he doesn’t seem to have grasped the nagging rule yet!

Share this with all women who want a giggle and all men who need relationship help!

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